We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story
A series of title cards appear. Title Card: ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com Presents Title Card: A Nostalgia* Critic Production *Note: In the video, it is accidentally spelled Nostaglia Clips of We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story play, in a fashion similar to that of the opening credits of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, with a rendition of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music playing in the background. Title Card: "Anyone who doesn't know who Hunter S. Thompson is will probably hate this review" - Nostalgia Critic] Raoul: (voiceover) I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch. That's when the drugs started to take hold. Clips of the movie continue in full color. Raoul: (voiceover) The only strange thing is I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I had ever experienced. Any never again will I return to that nasty realm. A new character is shown, who looks like the Nostalgia Critic if he was dressed like Hunter S. Thompson. Raoul: Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than THAT of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, Father of Fozzie Journalism. I've covered everything from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Where the Buffalo Roam. But today. Today, I'm here to talk to you about a very particular trip. A trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film that I wish never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that no human children should ever see. There is only one children's film that could have possibly brought out this horror in any manner. It is simply entitled We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story! The logo of the film, and several more clips, are shown. Raoul: (voiceover) Clearly, these writers and directors have bitten off far more ecstasy than they can chew because there is no horrid imagery or visual logic that could've been obtained from any reasonably sober human being. At least let's pray to God there isn't. Raoul: That fact that these disturbing images is marketed as a children's film is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly no child should ever have to go through this horrid punishment. So, take the ticket. (Lights his cigarette holder) Ride the ride. Raoul: So we start off with a pack of violent ingrates as they pick on the runt of the group, named ... something adorable I'm sure. Birds: Mom, he's so adorable Buster: Mom, don't do that. What am I, a chick?! Guess the writin's on the wall. It's time to leave the nest. Raoul: This animal annoys me. He should be cast aside for more deserving character development. Rex the dinosaur shows up in a large golf cart. Raoul: Hmm. Now we're seeing a dinosaur playing golf. I am thoroughly confused. Rex: Whoa, there little fella. Where’d you fall from? Buster: No place! Just leave me alone! Rex: What’s you’re name? Buster: Buster. I’m going to run away…and join the circus! Raoul (voiceover): The Bird seems rather unfazed that there’s a dinosaur playing golf, but I’m not. This needs to be explained. Rex: I’m smart, Buster. I’m one smart dinosaur. Raoul (voiceover): This isn’t working. I still like I’m stuck in a Far Side cartoon with no caption. Please explain the logistics of this awkward moment. Rex: I wasn’t always. Buster: You weren’t? Rex: No. No siree. No, I started off stupid and violent. Raoul: Clearly something you and this film have in common! In a flashback, a little dinosaur is being chased by Rex. A odd looking flying machine appears and knocks into Rex. Raoul (voiceover): So the dinosaur, voiced by John Goodman, tells the story about how he got to this questionable introduction. As it turns out, he use to live among the dinosaurs millions of years ago. He was savage as the creatures were until this futuristic monstrosity to knock some sense into him. A little green man appears on screen. Vorb: Here, before your very eyes… Raoul: Mother of God, what is that?! Vorb: Pick your poison, partner. You’re going to love this! Raoul (voiceover): It looks like a cereal mascot that’s been shit out my Marvin the Martian. Vorb: You, yes you, have been chosen to as a benefiter of free promotion campaign. Raoul (voiceover): Oh and it has Jay Leno doing an obnoxious voice. Wonderful, because Jay Leno’s normal voice wasn’t obnoxious enough. Vorb: …revolutionary product. You haven’t seen stuff like this before. Raoul (voiceover): So the flying puss ball gives him some brain food. Literally. It’s a futuristic cereal that makes you smarter the more you eat it. This was invited by a person named Captain Neweyes, which I’m sure I’ll need after viewing this heinous work. Neweyes: I live in the far future, where all the species and all the planets have learned to get along. Raoul: Racism is gone. All hatred is abolished. And Fox News is now a candy store. Raoul (voiceover): The voice of Captain Neweyes is done by Walter Cronkite, a journalist on the other end of the spectrum but we won’t hold that against him. Neweyes: And that’s the way it is. Raoul (voiceover): So the dinosaur, who is ingeniously named Rex, is brought in to see the other sodomized happy meal toys. Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.